Links:
> plab.coppertonestudios.com
> legal
PLAB Group
FAQ
These are some of the most frequently asked questions about the PLAB-Group.
- Homebuying (1)
- Homebuying (2)
- Buying Communal Property
- Charters and Contracts
Buying a House Together (2)
Answered By: Beth
Beth's Version: – 6 March 2004
PLAB has taken the plunge and bought a house together. Although the process was not without stress or difficulty, things are working out well so far. It can be done! Some things that we learned thoughout the home-buying process:
Find a poly-friendly real estate agent. Gregg and Cat are friends with a swinger real estate agent who was not confused by or offended by our lifestyle or choices for the house. Just like any home-buying experience, finding someone you can trust and who is looking out for your best interests is important.
Discuss your "non-negotable" features for the house beforehand. Determine what you as an indivdual, want and need in a home. How many rooms? How many bathrooms? Any special features or requirements you have always imagined? Can the house be in neighborhood x? Can it be in the suburbs?
For us, this may have been the most difficult part of the home-buying process. Getting four opinionated adults to agree on anything is a challenge - when you are trying to agree on something as big and as important as a house, it can be even more difficult. Sometimes it may be difficult to know what some of these features are before you have looked at a few houses, so it may be useful to reevaluate after viewing a few properties. It might also be practical to make a list of these "non-negotable" features and use it to narrow down your search.
What kind of a life do you live? Are you a homebody, who like to spend a lot of time in your house? Are you a social butterfly, preferring to go out and socialize? What about your partners? For us, the things we like to do also contributed to the kind of house we chose. Each of us had professions or hobbies that required certain elements in our home. Beth loves to cook, so a big, well-designed kitchen was important to her. With Jack's computer interests, a house with good wiring was critical. Cat and Gregg do photography out of their home, so a space to do photo shoots was very important. It can also be valuable to talk about the ways you prefer to live at home. Do you like to blast the stereo and have people over every weekend for parties? Or do you spend most of your free time reading or on the computer? These types of preferences may help you determine if you can live with one another, as well as where in the house you might want to be in proximity to your partners.
Find a way to effectively communicate about important and sometimes emotionally charged issues. I know, everyone always says: "Communicate, communicate, communicate." But with a decision this big, being able to express your wants and needs and hear and understand the wants and needs of your partners is necessary. You will want to make sure that no one is being "bulldozed" or ignored. For us, it took some time to get things figured out. We are still fine-tuning our communication model and I am certain that it will become easier over time. However, some things that might work are:
Rate, on a scale of 1-10, how much you care about this particular issue. Have the person you are communicating with do the same. If, when you rate the importance of the item up for discussion at a "3", is it really worth disagreeing over?
- Count to ten, or take some time to think before answering or discussing things. Sometimes you need a few minutes to gather your thoughts before going forward with the discussion.
Sometimes you need to have a disagreement, go away for awhile minutes and then come back and discuss things rationally. This isn't the most efficent method, but it's much better than not communicating at all.
A word or two about compromise (1). Compromise is, by its very nature, not the best solution for an individual. However, it may be the best solution for everyone involved as a whole. We have found that it works best to let your partners know when you are compromising - I don't know about you, but none of us are mind readers. If you have already compromised going in to a situation, you may be less willing to compromise further, and it's helpful for others to know that. For us, we knew we found the house for us when everyone was able to say: "I can't find anything wrong with this house!" In this situation, everyone was satisfied with the outcome.
Be willing to re-adjust, re-frame or re-negotiate. Life happens, things can change, people are not static. It helps to hold fast to your "non-negotiables", but be willing to have a little flexiblity on the rest.
Surprisingly, the financing was not more difficult or complicated than any other home purchase (which isn't to say that it was simple or hassle-free). Our particular situation involved one person (the one with the highest credit rating) having the financing in her/his name. Next, draw up a legal contract which protects everyone's rights and equity in the property. Any reputable lawyer should be able to do this for you, but if you know any poly-friendly ones, let us know. People will ask you if the house is going to be an investment property, because that is the most common reason pairs of couples would buy a house together.
Addenda
Note 1 (by G): Compromise describes the action, but should describe the attitude. One of the valuable things Cat and I learned at marriage/family counseling was that we should view our collective agreements as "collaborations" instead of "compromises". The semantic distinction rightly focuses the null ('no-action') state on "we both get nothing" instead of "I get everything I want".
